Practicing Emotional Judo

The Pen and Sword Journal - Vol 55

Last week, in the article KUZUSHI - How to use the opponent's moves to your advantage, we discussed how the Judo principle of Kuzushi can be used to unbalance and neutralize external opponents in various fields of life, such as social situations, industry competition, teaching, and the workplace. We also explored how we can apply this principle to accomplish collaboration from others.

Today, let’s shift our focus inward and explore how these same principles can help us deal with our inner opponents, which often manifest as emotional and irrational challenges. Examples of these inner opponents include paranoia, baseless fears and anxieties, inferiority complexes, sudden bursts of anger, and more.

Some of these inner opponents have mental roots before taking emotional forms, while others are purely emotional, influenced by unconscious processes or hormonal imbalances. In many therapy sessions, I have observed that applying unbalancing and overextending techniques from Judo has proven remarkably effective in addressing these emotional struggles.

If we observe how Judo techniques operate, we notice a stark contrast with striking combat styles like karate or kickboxing. In striking martial arts, the goal is to deliver powerful strikes and then skillfully evade or absorb counterattacks, in order to continue your offense. In judo, however, when an opponent throws a punch, you leverage their momentum to destabilize them. During this vulnerable moment, you can shape the course of the encounter.

Emotions are energy

It's interesting to note that the word “emotion” originates from the Latin “emovere,” meaning “energy in motion.” When dealing with emotions, it's crucial to approach them as energy, similar to how you would handle an opponent's direct use of force. Consider it the same way you would handle a discussion or negotiation. For instance, if a business partner is claiming that you didn’t provide a service as agreed, even though you have evidence (screenshots) to the contrary. You have two main choices:

The first choice is to confront them directly, forcefully asserting that they are wrong and presenting your evidence. This approach is akin to striking back in a fight.

The second approach is to use the opponent’s power indirectly by overextending it. Instead of going on the defensive or offensive, try to see beyond the other person's emotional reaction.

Emotional Judo during a disagreement

Employ the skill of Kan-Ken—seeing beyond what’s evident to the eye. Realize that their aggression isn’t necessarily personal; it might be their way of expressing that they couldn’t uphold their part of the agreement. Now, it hurts them to confront their mistake directly, so they lash out at you—it’s the easier path. Recognize that this person needs to feel understood first.

Rather than opposing them head-on, begin by acknowledging how important this job is for them and that its success matters. However, don’t express yourself with a low and unconfident tone, because it will give the opposite effect, and perhaps arouse their aggressiveness or overconfidence even more. Instead, say it with a confident but courteous tone, looking them in the eye, and yet being gentle. In this way, they will unconsciously perceive that you are operating from a position of power, even though you are CHOOSING to not act aggressively.

Oftentimes, after you acknowledge their situation and issues, instead of going to defense or attack, you will notice something interesting. Very often, the other person is caught off guard. Why so? Because people are often accustomed to engage in an eye for an eye ego battle in situations like this. But, but, when instead of meeting their force with force, you go along with it, they are—at least unconsciously—surprised.

So the wise alternative in such situations is to not oppose force with force. Instead, you blend with it, and direct it where you want—to a place where both of you feel understood and are willing to invest energy toward a solution, rather than pitting egos for a lose-lose outcome.

Sure, there might be an urge to prove you’re right, armed with an arsenal of arguments. But consider whether this is the right context for that. When someone feels forcefully opposed, they’re likely to reciprocate rather than collaborate.

If your goal is collaboration, resist the urge to tell someone they’re wrong. Look beyond their criticism to understand the underlying message—they are expressing something they value. Treat their criticism like a punch; it’s a need they are voicing. Respond by acknowledging their viewpoint: "You have a point; I understand this matters to you." In situations like this, defensiveness is best avoided; instead, validate their concerns.

Now, after the other person is thrown off balance, step in and say, ‘Let’s examine what’s going on here.’ After assessing the situation, return with, ‘Here’s what I found out, and here’s how we can address it.’ This approach shifts their perception of you from adversary to ally.

This method works equally well for defusing tension with loved ones. For instance, if your spouse is upset about your lack of attention to household chores, rather than justifying your busy schedule, acknowledge the issue’s importance: Sharing responsibilities around the house is crucial for maintaining a harmonious home. Collaborate on finding a solution together.

The logic behind Emotional Judo

It’s fascinating to observe that the principles we use in external conflicts are just as effective for our internal battles, which often manifest as emotions or persistent negative thoughts.

As I’ve mentioned before, it’s crucial to view your emotions as forms of energy, because they truly are. Every emotion you experience holds power. Positive emotions like excitement, pleasure, joy, awe, optimism, satisfaction, and love can infuse your actions with incredible strength. When you're filled with positive feelings, almost nothing seems impossible; you feel an unstoppable surge of energy.

On the other hand, negative emotions also hold power, but in a harmful way. Feelings of fear, worry, anxiety, depression, anger, and nervousness are energies misdirected. Instead of propelling you forward, they turn inward and work against you, holding you back and dragging you down.

Emotional judo involves converting this negative, inward-directed emotional energy into positive, outward-directed energy. It transforms detrimental emotions into beneficial ones by working with them and leveraging their energy, rather than fighting against them.

Sometimes trying too hard can be self-destructive

From numerous therapy sessions and psychological studies, I’ve observed that putting in excessive effort can often make a task unachievable. A classic example of this paradox occurs with individuals who fear stumbling over their words during public speaking. When they forcefully try too hard to avoid stumbling, they often end up tripping over their words once they begin speaking in front of an audience.

This dynamic is something I will explore more deeply in my upcoming book, Secrets of Willpower, where I will explain how some mechanisms of the unconscious work. But for now, let’s focus on applying these judo techniques to manage negative emotions.

Neurologist Viktor Frankl termed this forceful attempt ‘Hyper Intention.’ It involves exerting more effort than necessary. Just as being overly tense in martial arts can exhaust you and reduce the effectiveness of your techniques, a similar psychological effect occurs when dealing with emotions.

Dr. Frankl discovered that hyper-intention could effectively eliminate emotional barriers. For instance, if someone stuttered when they tried hard not to, what would happen if they tried hard to make themselves stutter? This approach proved successful. A man with a severe lifelong stutter stopped when he tried intensely to stutter. Another man with writer's cramp found relief by attempting to write as messily as possible. When he deliberately tried to scribble, he couldn’t. Dr. Frankl even helped a man overcome his intense fear of having a heart attack by encouraging him to try to induce one. The man made a vigorous effort, but no heart attack occurred. Instead, he lost his irrational fear.

In both social dynamics and martial arts, success can come from either direct confrontation or leveraging an opponent’s force against them. This principle also applies to our internal struggles with negative emotions.

Often, the more you fight directly against negative emotions, the stronger they become. Giving them excessive attention only feeds them. Dr. Frankl emphasized that pressure creates counter-pressure. Instead, he recommended the indirect approach of hyper-intention—working with the emotion rather than against it—which significantly improves your chances of overcoming it.

Now, how can we apply these principles to deal with our inner opponents?

To apply this technique, start by identifying the emotion that’s troubling you, and then exaggerate it. If you’re feeling afraid, tell yourself things that make you even more afraid. If you feel shy about something, intentionally amplify that shyness. You can even add a touch of humor without opposing the emotion. Embrace your fears and shyness completely. Do the same for any other troubling emotion. I know this might sound absurd, and I was very skeptical at first too, but the results can be surprising.

Just remember two important things before using this technique:

First, avoid this if you suffer from chronic depression, panic attacks, or trauma. In such cases, you should consult a psychologist. This technique is for the common feelings of fear and shyness that people typically experience.

Second, don't rely on this method alone. Just as in martial arts, you don’t use only one fighting style or technique to win. Use it sparingly, especially when direct efforts to overcome these states aren’t effective. Every emotion has a saturation point, and by reaching it, the emotion will eventually dissipate. This process of emotional extension involves overwhelming the emotion until it fades away.

To wrap it up

You can’t ignore the worries, fears, and anxieties that hinder your well-being and performance, just as you can’t ignore an opponent without risking defeat. These emotions are real obstacles, and to overcome them, you must confront them. Often, you can’t simply will them away. Instead, you can neutralize them by extending them. Don’t try to suppress or fight them. Instead, exaggerate them, hyper-intend them, and over-saturate them until they lose their grip on you.

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