When Repression is mistaken for RESILIENCE

The Pen and Sword Journal - Vol 91

I want to start this with a fable I often remind myself of, especially when life throws something unexpected my way, or when I feel stuck. It’s in those moments, when I feel the urge to complain creeping in, that I take a deep breath, center myself, and remind myself to "shake it off." That simple shift inside me, that quick decision to move forward instead of lingering in frustration, helps me focus on what matters and let go of the noise that doesn’t make any meaningful difference.

The fable I’m talking about? It’s the one with the donkey and the well. And here’s how it goes...

One day, a farmer’s donkey fell into an old well. The animal cried for hours while the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Eventually, the farmer decided the donkey was too old to save and the well needed to be sealed anyway. So he called his neighbors, and they began shoveling dirt into the well to bury the donkey.

But something unexpected happened.

With every shovel of dirt that landed on its back, the donkey shook it off and stepped up. Shovel after shovel, the donkey kept doing this -shake it off, step up- until eventually, it rose high enough to climb out of the well and walked away, very much alive and free.

Resilience or Repression? The Fine Line We Often Miss

This fable holds a powerful lesson about resilience, and I’m sure it’s inspired many people, maybe even you, if you've come across it before. But in this article, I want to focus on something we often don’t notice, something that sneaks up on us when we least expect it.

For those of you who’ve been following my writings for a while, or for those who know me personally, you know how deeply I resonate with the Stoic way of life. Still, I try to keep my mind open and aware that even Stoicism needs to be balanced with other philosophies. For me, that balance often comes through “Zen.” If you’re curious about this blend, I’ve written more about it in a previous article (link here).

Now, back to the trap. What is this mental trick we play on ourselves, this trap we fall into? In simple terms, it’s the confusion between Resilience and Repression. Too often, we think we're being resilient, when in reality, we’re just burying our emotions deep down, out of sight, out of mind.

There are moments in life when "shaking it off" is exactly what we need to do. But sometimes, in our attempt to do that, we’re not really letting go, instead, we’re suppressing. We push emotions and thoughts into the unconscious, thinking we’ve handled them, but what we don’t realize is that we’re just building up layers of unresolved feelings. And when those layers accumulate, eventually, they explode. That’s when resilience becomes almost impossible. When we haven’t fully dealt with what’s inside, it’s hard to stay strong, to stay present, to keep going.

What are we repressing while believing we’re simply shaking it off?

These are the things we think don’t matter, or that we can handle later, but they pile up until they’re too much to carry. Here’s a list of things we tend to repress, thinking we’ve let them go, when we haven’t:

Unspoken hurt in relationships

Think about a time when someone close to you said something hurtful or disrespectful, and instead of addressing it, you did nothing. Maybe it was a passing comment from a partner, or a small act of disregard from a friend or family member. You told yourself it wasn’t a big deal,“I’ll just let it go, I’m stronger than that.” But that hurt doesn’t just vanish. It sits there, tucked away in your subconscious, and the next time they do something similar, it triggers the same feelings. In relationships, many believe they should not show vulnerability or as they may call it “weakness”, so they suppress our emotions. Or deep down, they’re avoiding the discomfort that comes with confronting certain things, so instead, they rationalize it as “shaking it off.” But what they’re really doing is repressing it. But over time, these unresolved feelings can build, and one day, the small things can feel like a tidal wave, which damages the connection a lot.

Other examples of what we repress:

• Frustration at work.

• Self-doubt after a failure

• Overlooked self-care needs

• Unresolved conflicts with family members

  and the list goes on…

  How to tell the difference between what we should “shake off” and what we should confront?

The key difference between the two is this:

1) the level of attachment we have to something, and

2) how important it truly is to what we’re trying to build in life.

Take lack of respect in a relationship, for example. That’s something we feel attached to, because in a partnership, there’s a healthy degree of attachment (hopefully). You’re trying to build something meaningful with that person, and when respect is absent, it shakes the foundation of what you’re creating together.

Now, contrast that with a jealous comment from someone who envies you. This is something you have no real attachment to. In most cases, it’s not even worth your time or energy. Engaging with people like this doesn’t build anything of value. It only distracts you from what truly matters.

Simply put, the first one is something to confront, and the second is something to shake off. To tie it back to the fable of the donkey, the second is just dirt that needs to be shaken off, while the first is more like a thorn that gets lodged in your skin and tears deeper when you try to shake it off. So, what do you do? You either face it head-on and remove it, or if you can’t, you ask for help. And here’s the thing, asking for help in those moments isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s wisdom. It’s recognizing that some battles are too heavy to carry alone, and there's strength in knowing when to reach out.

I will share with you a note from my daily reflections. I often reflect while writing:

To shake off:

• Envious comments.

• People who are trying to trick and trigger you with provocative comments. The ones who want to get under your skin just to watch you react.

• People who say you won’t succeed, without providing any valid basis, or simply out of spite.

• The voices that tell you to settle for less.

• Anyone who judges your worth based on their standards.

• The ones who gossip behind your back.

• Most of your intrusive thoughts.

To confront:

• Disrespect from a coworker, friend, family member, or partner.
  When someone disrespects you, don’t brush it off. Confront it head-on. This isn’t about drama; it’s about maintaining your boundaries and showing that you won’t tolerate being treated less than you deserve. You teach people how to treat you by how you respond.

• Toxic patterns in relationships.
  As soon as you see the first red flag, don’t wait. Confront them. Whether it’s a family member, a friend, or a partner, address the issue before it festers. You can either resolve the situation or decide that the relationship isn’t worth your time and energy. Better to confront it early than to let it drain you emotionally, only to regret it later.

• Unhealthy habits or patterns in your own life.

  Sometimes the biggest obstacle is realizing that the issue isn’t outside of you, but within. Confront the habits, beliefs, or behaviors that are holding you back.

• The truth in difficult conversations.
  Whether it’s with a boss, a partner, or a friend, there are moments when you know something needs to be said. Confront the truth. Don’t hide behind pseudo-politeness or fear of conflict. Say what needs to be said, even if it’s uncomfortable. More often than not, your truth is worth speaking, and those who truly respect you will appreciate the honesty.

• Negative self-talk.
  You wouldn’t let someone else talk to you the way you talk to yourself, so why let it slide? Confront your inner critic.

• Avoidance of responsibility.

• The need for external validation.
  If you find yourself constantly seeking approval from others, confront this pattern.

• Unacknowledged emotions.
  How often do we suppress our feelings because it’s easier than dealing with them? Whether it’s anger, sadness, or frustration, confront the emotions instead of pushing them down. Recognize them, feel them, and let them move through you. By doing so, you save yourself from a lot of difficult episodes in the future.

  Most emotions, besides grief, have a 30-second to 1-minute window where we must experience and process them in a healthy way. Anger and frustration, for example, don’t just disappear if you ignore them. Acknowledge that you’re angry, feel it for a moment, then move on. Don’t push it down. Many acts of rage come from accumulated episodes of unresolved anger. So give yourself 30 seconds to 1 minute, acknowledge and experience your anger, disgust, fear, and then move on.

To Conclude

The difference between Resilience and Repression lies in the reflection we make and the two filters we pass through in our minds:

1. The level of attachment we have to something, and

2. How important it truly is to what we’re trying to build in life.

When we reflect with discernment, identifying the situations we should “shake off” and the ones we need to confront, we cultivate true resilience. We stop accumulating emotional baggage in our unconscious and begin moving through life with purpose.

Shaking off and confronting both deal with life’s challenges, but there’s a clear difference: Shaking off means confronting only what matters, not wasting energy on trivial things. Confronting means cleaning out the thorns and weeds in your life, much like a gardener removing harmful weeds to keep the garden healthy.

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📕➡️100 thoughts for the Inner Warrior

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