Weekly Reflection: Win Or Lose, Don't Lose Your Positive Attitude

Weekly Reflection - Part 1

One of the most important lessons I've learned from studying both Psychology and Zen is that we can extract meaningful lessons from the simplest things in our daily life. For this reason, in addition to the weekly Pen and Sword Journal articles and the monthly Introspection Articles, I'll also share short reflections once per week, that come from these seemingly ordinary moments.

The first thing I thought about was while I was playing the Murlan card game with some friends the other day. Like most card games, the hand you get in the first game affects how well you do in the following games, too.

In my case, I won the first game, but then I lost 4-5 games in a row. Sometimes, even when we try our best with the cards we are dealt, the cards themselves limit us. So, I observed myself regarding how I was reacting to losing those games.

Someone might say, "But it's just a game." However, many people react negatively to LOSING, not to the fact that it’s just a game. Moreover, from my personal experience, I've noticed that people reveal a lot about their behavior patterns when they play a competitive game. Perhaps it's because "it's just a game" and many people let their guard down, not expecting others to observe them in these moments…

Anyway, I've noticed that people often react to winning or losing a game in the same way they react in more serious life situations. Of course, in real-life situations, the intensity of the reaction is much stronger, but in essence it’s still the same reaction and some ego's mechanisms in play are the same.

People generally have two main reactions when they experience defeat.

I will again relate this idea to the cards game.

1- The first reaction is to get agitated, relatively upset and in more severe cases, somewhat aggressive in “trying to reclaim the throne of victory”. For example, someone might become obsessed with trying to beat the other person and win at all costs, just to avoid the feelings that come with defeat. These feeling are often irritation, anger, shame, or a mix of all.

2- The second reaction is withdrawing all interest in winning the game altogether, leading to a careless attitude where you fool around and don't put in the same effort as before.

There are also other subcategories of these reactions, but generally speaking, these two happen more often when we don’t pay attention to our inner world.

What we need to understand here from a psychological perspective is that both these reactions are defense mechanisms of our ego designed to shield us from feeling bad about losing. And more importantly, many times, these defense mechanisms kick in automatically without us being aware of what’s happening inside us.

Are these mechanisms something negative? Absolutely not. As I just mentioned, they are part of us for a reason. However, they are something we should be aware, address, and modify with our active will.

Now let’s return to what I did while I was sucking up all the losses. 😂

In this case, I initially reacted with the second response, and withdrew all my interest in winning. After the first two loses, I caught myself doing this, and I decided to do something about it. I sincerity believe that the habits and the behaviors patterns we build in seemingly unimportant events often resurface in more significant situations in our life.

At that moment, a phrase I like from Bruce Lee’s movie “Enter the Dragon” echoed in my mind. The phrase was:

'A good fight should be like a small play, but played seriously.'

So, I adjusted my mindset to remain unfazed and somewhat playful about losing, but without withdrawing my interest to win again. And it felt great. What's best about reaching this state is that it avoids creating negativity with your friends while maintaining focus on achieving the goal, without it transforming into an unhealthy obsession. It was definitely a refreshing change, and I enjoyed my game.

But still ended up losing, though. 😂 One thing I'm certain of is that losing after giving my best effort is better than losing while creating negativity within myself and with others, or losing due to retreat, much like the fox in the fable of the grapes.

That’s life, we win some, we lose some. As long as we are open to learn and don’t lose focus of other important things in our life, like (self)respect, friendship and more, we will eventually achieve our victories.

Trust me when I say these reactions aren't limited to card games; they can surface in situations like a sparring match, volleyball game, or even in business competition, where losing means more than just a blow to our pride—it can mean a financial loss too.

The ability to observe ourselves and reflect on small daily events, can be one of the most powerful ways to avoid painful situations in a much larger scale in the future.

One thing that caught my attention while listening to a Podcast where John Danaher, —a great Brazilian jiu-jitsu and mixed martial arts instructor— was invited was that what is more important is to work on winning the battles that matter most in our lives, because those are the battles that make the most important changes in our future. This resonated with me a lot.

That wraps up this week’s reflections, friends and folks. I'm also working on an article about the principles of Wabi (侘) and Sabi (寂) in Zen, and how they can positively influence the lives of martial artists and people in general. It will be published this Sunday.

Meanwhile, I'd love to hear your thoughts on the topic we just discussed in the comments below. 😊

Wish you a great week! 🙏